Sunday, July 12, 2015

Late Night Thoughts.

So, once again, it has been ages since I have posted on here.. Sorry.
I have forgotten my formats and everything its been that long..

Once again this is going to be a kind of spill-all type post because recently I have been very down, and I can't seem to find anyone to talk to it about. So I turned to my online diary.

It isn't about my friends turning on me, or some stupid crush, but rather something more deep.
Recently I have felt that any and everything I do has become a disappointment to not only myself, but others, more specifically my family.

Earlier this summer I tried to get a job and because of my anxiety I couldn't go through with the drug test that was required. I am not going to go into details, but let's just say there were a lot of tears involved. 
I was looking forward to the job because I needed the money for various reasons, and of course my family was just excited for me to get another job. However when I came home in tears, it just seemed like all hell let loose. 

Everybody was looking at me like I was stupid, asking why I couldn't do it, and I didn't have an answer. I had already embarrassed myself in front of a complete stranger, and I expected to come home to an understanding family but in turn got the complete opposite.

After that, I kind of gave up on the idea of a job- at least for the summertime. But of course my family didn't agree with that and is basically forcing me to go out and get one anyways.

On the inside, I feel as though I am in constant battles with myself because I don't know how I feel whether it be about this or living back at home in general. My family doesn't understand how it feels to have anxiety, and to not be able to do things such as pee in front of someone or go to a basketball game where it is loud and crowded. Instead of trying to learn about how it affects me, they just seem to be selfish and get me to do the things that they want me to do.

On the subject of anxiety, it seems to be getting worse. I don't only feel as though that is the problem though, because all I seem to do recently is cry, or be sad. I never feel truly happy anymore. 
That being said, the only time I do feel any where close to happiness is when I watch youtube, or more specifically people play Minecraft. 

However, my same family members do not understand how this could possibly make me smile, and believe that all it is, is a stupid video game. 

I don't know about you, but once you find something, or someone who makes you smile, it shouldn't matter what that something is, you love it so your family should be okay with it. 
I apologize for this being rambly and all over the place, that is what these posts seem to be, but its okay. I am just trying to get all of my feelings out in one place.

But I do want to say thank you to the youtubers I watch, especially HBomb94 (check him out, he's a cutie) for making me smile with the videos that you post. Not only has these videos calmed me down during panic attacks, but has also inspired me to play the game and record videos in hopes of making someone else smile, even if it is just one time. 

I do want to say that even though I feel like a disappointment, I know I am not.  And I want
 anyone who is going through some similar situations, that you are not alone, and you are not a disappointment. You are a joy to the world, and I am grateful that you are here.

I feel so much better getting this off my chest, so thanks for being here sparkly blog. 

Keep Calm and Sparkle On,

Shay.