Monday, April 10, 2017

Fake Smiles






Fake smiles are the worst. It hurts even more when they become second nature to you. When you have built up so much pain on the inside that when your true feelings come out you just smile like nothing is wrong.

I don't have many friends. The people that I call "friends" aren't even there when I need them the most. I don't have anybody to 'spill my guts' to, or just somebody to even vent to. But whenever someone else needs that person, I'm the one that they call.

Maybe I need to wait. Maybe I need to open myself up more. But I don't know how. I don't know how to make friends. But that's okay.

I pray that I eventually find that one true friend, and eventually they will walk into my life.

I'm here to say that I know I will be okay. Eventually.

And so will you. If anyone is feeling the way that I'm feeling, just know that it is okay. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be upset. But one day you will be happy again. I will be happy again.

It's okay. 

Sunday, April 3, 2016

It will be okay.

Wow. It's been a year since I've posted on here.
There are no excuses, I just never got around to posting.

Now, I kind of see this blog as my diary. I've probably said this before, but I truly feel that way because this is the first thing I thought of while I'm sat here close to tears.

Nothing major has even happened. Nothing that would seem to set me off. But yet, here I am, on the verge of crying. And for what?

I feel as though it is because I feel worthless. Don't get me wrong, I know that the Lord put me on this Earth for a purpose, but I have yet to figure it out.

You might say, "You're only 19, of course you haven't figured it out yet, you still have your entire life ahead of you!" and I agree. But there has got to be something that is wrong, that is causing me to feel this way.

That is not the only reason. It is also because of my attachment issues. I talk to someone a couple of times and I feel as though they have to reply every. single. time. 

But life doesn't work like that. Especially if who you are talking to, you don't know personally, but rather through a computer screen.

But feelings just happen. And I just have to learn that everything isn't going to work out how I want it, and that's okay. Shit happens.

When I realize that people do like me for who I am, I think I'll be a better person. Because right now, I feel unloved in a way. I know that my family and close friends love me, but I just feel as though something is missing.

I also know that I don't have to have a significant other in my life to make me feel loved. But at the moment, it seems like that's what I crave. Is to be in a relationship. Maybe that is the problem- I am looking to hard and it is not time yet.

I can whine and cry all day and that will not help. I have to say to myself that it will be okay. And it will.

So what I have to say to anyone who reads this is that no problem is too big or small, every feeling that you have is relevant, and somebody out there cares. I do.

It will be okay. 

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Late Night Thoughts.

So, once again, it has been ages since I have posted on here.. Sorry.
I have forgotten my formats and everything its been that long..

Once again this is going to be a kind of spill-all type post because recently I have been very down, and I can't seem to find anyone to talk to it about. So I turned to my online diary.

It isn't about my friends turning on me, or some stupid crush, but rather something more deep.
Recently I have felt that any and everything I do has become a disappointment to not only myself, but others, more specifically my family.

Earlier this summer I tried to get a job and because of my anxiety I couldn't go through with the drug test that was required. I am not going to go into details, but let's just say there were a lot of tears involved. 
I was looking forward to the job because I needed the money for various reasons, and of course my family was just excited for me to get another job. However when I came home in tears, it just seemed like all hell let loose. 

Everybody was looking at me like I was stupid, asking why I couldn't do it, and I didn't have an answer. I had already embarrassed myself in front of a complete stranger, and I expected to come home to an understanding family but in turn got the complete opposite.

After that, I kind of gave up on the idea of a job- at least for the summertime. But of course my family didn't agree with that and is basically forcing me to go out and get one anyways.

On the inside, I feel as though I am in constant battles with myself because I don't know how I feel whether it be about this or living back at home in general. My family doesn't understand how it feels to have anxiety, and to not be able to do things such as pee in front of someone or go to a basketball game where it is loud and crowded. Instead of trying to learn about how it affects me, they just seem to be selfish and get me to do the things that they want me to do.

On the subject of anxiety, it seems to be getting worse. I don't only feel as though that is the problem though, because all I seem to do recently is cry, or be sad. I never feel truly happy anymore. 
That being said, the only time I do feel any where close to happiness is when I watch youtube, or more specifically people play Minecraft. 

However, my same family members do not understand how this could possibly make me smile, and believe that all it is, is a stupid video game. 

I don't know about you, but once you find something, or someone who makes you smile, it shouldn't matter what that something is, you love it so your family should be okay with it. 
I apologize for this being rambly and all over the place, that is what these posts seem to be, but its okay. I am just trying to get all of my feelings out in one place.

But I do want to say thank you to the youtubers I watch, especially HBomb94 (check him out, he's a cutie) for making me smile with the videos that you post. Not only has these videos calmed me down during panic attacks, but has also inspired me to play the game and record videos in hopes of making someone else smile, even if it is just one time. 

I do want to say that even though I feel like a disappointment, I know I am not.  And I want
 anyone who is going through some similar situations, that you are not alone, and you are not a disappointment. You are a joy to the world, and I am grateful that you are here.

I feel so much better getting this off my chest, so thanks for being here sparkly blog. 

Keep Calm and Sparkle On,

Shay.