Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Turning Twenty One.

  1. 1.
    the length of time that a person has lived or a thing has existed.

Age is but a number. At least, that's what you generally hear when someone is in a relationship with someone who is quite older- or younger- than them. But that's not the subject of this post.

Long time no see? I say that every time I seem to remember that I have this piece of me floating around the internet.  

I always try post on here, and every time I do it, I fail to update more than once in like, a year. Which is sad. But hey, as the great Hannah Montana once said, everybody makes mistakes.

So I am here to say that I am twenty one years of age. Feels the exact same as when I was twenty, except now I can leagally drink alcohol. *insert sarcastic woo here*

It's not a big deal to me, but it seems like society makes it one. When you turn twenty one you're legally an adult so you should have a good paying job, your own house, your own car... except when you don't.

I do have a car, and I do have a job, not saying that it's not a good one but not saying it's great either. It just sucks that once you have lived on earth for a certain amount of years, everyone is just like "you should have this and should be out of your parents house" but its gotten a lot harder recently to even have a simple apartment at this age.

I do live with my grandmother, because I chose to. Once my grandfather passed, I did not want her to be alone so I stayed with her. And a lot of people look down on that. I often get asked to go out, and often decline because she is a worry wort and she will stay up until I get home. Which I appreciate.

However, I also decline going out because I simply don't like to. Call me a homebody, but I just don't enjoy nights on the town or things of that nature. I really don't even enjoy alcohol. 

Being twenty one means being an adult. Legally. And with that comes great responsibility. No pun intended. So no, I don't care for going and staying out all night drinking, when I would much rather be at home in my bed watching movies. And that's perfectly fine.

That's what I'm here for. Not judging anyone on their preferences to go out and have fun- wish I could let loose and do that sometimes myself. But for those of us who just enjoy being us, it's great.

This post has went all over the place but what I am trying to say is that I am twenty one and I am a mess. I don't know what I want to do with my life, but at this moment in time I just want to go to work, take care of me and grandma, and enjoy my YouTube and movies. And just because the government says that I am adult, I may not act like one all of the time. 

Basically this is a warm up for me to try and get back into the writing groove, and to say a happy belated birthday to myself, and to all of you guys who are legal, do you. Be you. Enjoy yourselves.

Keep Calm and Sparkle On,


Monday, April 10, 2017

Fake Smiles

Fake smiles are the worst. It hurts even more when they become second nature to you. When you have built up so much pain on the inside that when your true feelings come out you just smile like nothing is wrong.

I don't have many friends. The people that I call "friends" aren't even there when I need them the most. I don't have anybody to 'spill my guts' to, or just somebody to even vent to. But whenever someone else needs that person, I'm the one that they call.

Maybe I need to wait. Maybe I need to open myself up more. But I don't know how. I don't know how to make friends. But that's okay.

I pray that I eventually find that one true friend, and eventually they will walk into my life.

I'm here to say that I know I will be okay. Eventually.

And so will you. If anyone is feeling the way that I'm feeling, just know that it is okay. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be upset. But one day you will be happy again. I will be happy again.

It's okay. 

Sunday, April 3, 2016

It will be okay.

Wow. It's been a year since I've posted on here.
There are no excuses, I just never got around to posting.

Now, I kind of see this blog as my diary. I've probably said this before, but I truly feel that way because this is the first thing I thought of while I'm sat here close to tears.

Nothing major has even happened. Nothing that would seem to set me off. But yet, here I am, on the verge of crying. And for what?

I feel as though it is because I feel worthless. Don't get me wrong, I know that the Lord put me on this Earth for a purpose, but I have yet to figure it out.

You might say, "You're only 19, of course you haven't figured it out yet, you still have your entire life ahead of you!" and I agree. But there has got to be something that is wrong, that is causing me to feel this way.

That is not the only reason. It is also because of my attachment issues. I talk to someone a couple of times and I feel as though they have to reply every. single. time. 

But life doesn't work like that. Especially if who you are talking to, you don't know personally, but rather through a computer screen.

But feelings just happen. And I just have to learn that everything isn't going to work out how I want it, and that's okay. Shit happens.

When I realize that people do like me for who I am, I think I'll be a better person. Because right now, I feel unloved in a way. I know that my family and close friends love me, but I just feel as though something is missing.

I also know that I don't have to have a significant other in my life to make me feel loved. But at the moment, it seems like that's what I crave. Is to be in a relationship. Maybe that is the problem- I am looking to hard and it is not time yet.

I can whine and cry all day and that will not help. I have to say to myself that it will be okay. And it will.

So what I have to say to anyone who reads this is that no problem is too big or small, every feeling that you have is relevant, and somebody out there cares. I do.

It will be okay.